Imagine yourself at a tense planning meeting where the financial director reports, "To compete profitably, we need to lay off 20 percent of the workforce." The marketing director responds, "That’s the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard. We need to lay you off so we can hire new people who are serious about growing the business." Are you ready to add fuel to the fire, would you prefer to crawl under your chair, or do you have the skills to facilitate a conversation that could satisfy everyone in the room?
Minimizing the emotions in such situations might seem like the safest course of action, but in the long run, honesty and direct engagement can promise even higher levels of performance by deepening understanding and fostering teamwork. “Many meeting facilitators call for a break when the emotional energy escalates,” notes Roger Schwarz, author of The Skilled Facilitator, "but savvy facilitators recognize that they have hit pay dirt." (Schwarz, 2000). When a group has tapped the vein of dynamic energy that feeds conflict, they are connecting with issues that are important to them.
Authentic Communication is a practical method of dealing with human conflict that reframes how people communicate so that strong emotions are not a liability, but an opportunity to discover more satisfying options. This article describes how facilitators can use the Authentic Communication model to honor emotional energy and creatively transform conflict to serve each individual and the group as a whole. In choosing Authentic Communication—as facilitators or individuals—we may be guided by the spirit of piano maker Theodore Steinway. "In one of our concert grand pianos," he said, "243 taut strings exert a pull of 40,000 pounds on an iron frame. It is proof that out of great tension may come great harmony."
Introduction to Authentic Communication
The Authentic Communication model is based on the work of Marshall Rosenberg, author of "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life". According to Rosenberg, everything we do or say is an attempt to meet a need. I take graduate courses because I need respect. You write a business plan because you need clarity about creating a better future. In Rosenberg’s model, needs are by definition universal; true of every human being—everyone needs respect or clarity at one time or another. What varies is how people choose to meet these needs. Our needs might be the same, but our strategies might be in conflict.
For example, two people might need to contribute to the sustainability of organization, but one takes the position "We have to hire more people," and another believes, "We have to fire more people." Rosenberg suggests that understanding each other’s needs can open the door to new visions that can satisfy all parties. The key, he says, is to empathize with the needs fully and then develop strategies for fulfilling those needs. Before we can empathize with a need, we must be able to identify it. Authentic Communication recognizes that one of the key functions of emotions is to point to our met and unmet needs. If I feel frustrated, my frustration could be a clue that my need for order is not satisfied. If you feel amused perhaps that is because your need for humor is met.
In a fast-paced work place, we often tell ourselves that we don’t have time for feelings. But ignoring them, and by extension ignoring our needs, may actually sabotage our productivity. According to Human Resources magazine "…study after study indicates that employee emotions are fundamentally related to—and actually drive—bottom-line success in a company." (Bates, 2004, February). By paying attention to feelings and needs, Authentic Communication helps cultivate the sense that "I matter, you matter, we matter," which can improve relationships, build team spirit and contribute to the growth of the organization.
Four Steps to Authentic Communication
Whether we are expressing what is important to us, or receiving another person’s message, Authentic Communication includes four basic steps:
Receiving (checking your understanding of another)
Observation: When you … (describe your observation)
Feeling: are you feeling … (guess the emotion)
Need: because you need … (guess the need)?
Request: Would you like (me, him, her, them) to (specific action)?
Expressing (communicating your desire to be understood)
Observation: When …(describe your observation)
Feeling: I felt … (your emotion)
Need: because I need … (your need)
Request: Would you be willing to …(specific action)?
To see how facilitators might use these steps in practice, let us apply them to the scenario mentioned at the beginning of this article. The financial director, Susan, has just suggested laying off 20 percent of the staff; the marketing director, Jack, responded by suggesting Susan be laid off. Noting that Jack seems the most agitated, as the facilitator, you decide to address him first. The conversation below uses the four steps from the "receiving the message" point of view.
You: Jack, when you heard Susan say that we should lay off 20 percent of the staff, (observation), I guess you were pretty alarmed (feeling), because you would like reassurance that the company will grow (need). Is that accurate? (request)
Jack: Yes, she is clueless! Doesn’t she know we are launching two new products this quarter? To have any chance of success, it is crucial that we have adequate staff on board, especially in marketing!
You: Hearing her suggestion to lay off 20% of the workforce, (observation), are you really concerned (feeling) about the success of the two new products and ultimately the life of the company? (need)
Jack: Yes, I care about the company’s future—I’ve been here ten years. But I also care about my job and I cannot do it without adequate staff. The last guy in her position made the same mistake and I ended up paying the price. Sales plummeted! We are still recovering, three years later.
You: So are you worried (feeling) about the company, but also want some understanding about what it takes to adequately market products? You need the staffing and resources to do your job well and feel confident about success. (need) Is that right?
Jack: Yes, that’s it.
Having heard Jack’s concerns, you now turn to Susan to see that she understands what Jack said. At first, she may need some help; it is not unusual, especially when tempers flare, for one person to hear a message very differently from what the other expressed. If you are not confident that Susan has heard Jack, you can check back with him or share with Susan what you have heard Jack say:
You: Before we go on to hear your concerns Susan, I want to make sure that we have clarity about what Jack has said. Could you tell me what you heard him say?
Susan: I hear him loud and clear. He said that I remind him of my predecessor and that I’m making the same mistakes he did. He thinks I’m screwing up.
You: Thanks Susan. I’m glad I checked. What I heard Jack say is that he needs understanding that to successfully launch the new product this fall, he needs sufficient staff. He wants to build an effective department and is worried that he won’t have the resources to do so. Can you tell me what you just heard me say?
Susan: Jack wants to make sure his department has the resources to adequately market these new products.
You: Right. That’s what I understood. Jack, is that what you wanted to express?
Jack: Yes. It’s crucial that these new products do well.
Once you feel confident that Susan has understood Jack, you can check with him to see if he is ready to hear what Susan has to say:
You: It’s important to me that everyone is understood (need), so I wonder if you are ready to hear where Susan is coming from? (request)
Jack: I’m a little anxious, but ready to listen…
After several rounds of listening to each other in this way, Jack and Susan will come to focus on what they have in common, rather than what sets them at odds. They both care about the life of the company, fear for its future, and want to see it succeed. Having heard each other, they come up with a mutually agreeable solution. Susan agrees to postpone any layoffs in the marketing department for six months, until after they launch the new product line. Jack agrees to new sales targets and acknowledges that if they do not reach their goals, some layoffs may be necessary. Jack ends the meeting more motivated than ever to market the new line. Susan has a greater understanding and appreciation of the challenges that Jack faces in his department and agrees to get his input for future planning.
It may take several rounds of guessing feelings and needs before both parties feel understood. Once the needs are on the table, you can encourage those involved to make requests that honor each other’s needs. Because they both feel understood, each person is more likely to listen to the other’s ideas and create strategies that work for everyone.
In voller Länge finden Sie den Artikel "Difficult Conversations: Authentic Communication leads to Greater Understanding and Teamwork", unter: http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/article_archive/mlasley.htm.
Mit freundlicher Erlaubnis von Martha Lasley, MBA, http://www.LeadershipThatWorks.com
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